Your (not so serious) Horoscope for spring 2018

Hola everyone!

Last night I had an epiphany. Late at night I was watching this terrible fortune-telling programme —and I actually may not have told you all— but it’s possible that I might have a sixth sense.
So in this programme, people call to have their near future get foretold. This particular bright woman that they’d call would not only let them speak with passed away persons, but also give them some sort of vague prediction for what’s in store for them in the future based on their star signs. And I swear to you, by the end of the show, 90 per cent of what she was predicting, I was thinking the exact same thing. It’s almost like these shows are total bullshit. Huh.  🤔
Anyway, I figured I might as well try it for you, so today I’m going to predict your futures based on your star signs! Here we go, hope you enjoy!

-Bryan

Aquarius:
This month will be the month of opportunities, you’ll be approached by a Nigerian bank; with an investment of only $1,000 you can earn up to 1 million dollars profit. Either that, or there will be a 50% discount on chicken wings at your local supermarket.

Pisces:
You’re in a very crucial moment of your life now. It is of importance that you make quick decisions on important matters. People have been standing behind you in line for half an hour now. You should really make up your mind now. Just pick a flavor of ice cream already.

Aries:
This month you’re done with all the people talking you down. The  time of gossip and tubthumbing is over. You get knocked down, but you get up again, they are never gonna keep you down.

 Taurus:
Oh boy. Here we go. Oh my, my, my. Well, you know what they say about spring and Taurii, right? ….Right? You don’t? Well, I don’t either.

 

Gemini:
The quest of your life.
Perpetuation of love?
I don’t believe so.

 

Cancer:

Network mistakenly pays you a residual.
Collect $200.

Leo:
Anyway, like I was sayin’, shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey’s uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There’s pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich… That- that’s about it.

Virgo:
There are over 600 million Virgos worldwide; the chance of this tiny piece of text relating to you specifically is amazingly small. Putting things in perspective is sooo going to be your thing!

 

Libra:
Did you know that Gwyneth Paltrow was a Libra? Huh.

 Scorpio:
Born with a natural hatred towards Gwyneth Paltrow, the Scorpio enjoys most of his time sleeping in, taking romantic strolls on beaches and dinner with candlelight. They are very spontaneous persons who like to travel. Do you see yourself going on an adventure with me? Then don’t hesitate to mail me. Hope to hear from you soon!
Sagittarius:
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Capricorn:
Jupiter moves retrograde this month. That doesn’t mean anything, but it can be difficult for you.